Please edit the first chapter of my story.?

My advice won't be the best because I'm still a secondary school student, but I personally think you don't have a wide enough variety of sentence structures. It's not a case of comma-splicing, but "full stop splicing" lol. You've got quite a lot of short sentences, that could be joined together with clauses but other than that, I think it's a great first chapter! I hope you post the whole thing :P